Vacation and the holidays can elicit different emotions. Spending time with our families and away from work can be a time of peace and turmoil. Dr. Erika Soto, Psy.D., LMFT, PPSC, shares effective self-care techniques and why it is so important to first take care of ourselves if we want to properly care for others.
Lindsey:
How are you doing this holiday season?
Erika:
I’m doing well. I’m trying to keep myself in check and practice what I preach, and do my own self care through this busy time.
Lindsey:
For sure.
Erika:
Mm-hmm (affirmative). It’s an honor.
Lindsey:
[crosstalk 00:00:14] right? As us in mental health positions, we need to make sure we put ourselves first and we are like, we need a holiday help and sometimes we needed some reminders and we need some tips and some tricks. We’re definitely going to talk about making that happen.
Erika:
Yes.
Lindsey:
Putting ourselves first as a priority, right? And so we want to avoid this burnout. All of our teachers, and our OTs, and special ed people, and SLPs, and our online mental health clinicians, we should know better, but sometimes we don’t. So, putting ourselves as a priority. How do we decrease this burnout? What can you suggest to us?
Erika:
Well, I think that it starts, just like what you said Lindsey. It starts with us, right? Even though no matter whether we’re a parent, we are a therapist, a teacher, someone just in a care-taking role, we’re still human. So, we still have emotions. We still feel, and that’s okay. The first thing though is to manage ourselves. It’s kind of a little bit cliché to say, but it’s kind of like what they say with the oxygen masks on the airplane. They always direct us to put ours on first because if we don’t have ours on, then we won’t be of much help if we’re passed out, we won’t be able to help our child. It’s kind of the same principle in that we need to help ourselves first and make sure that we’re caring for ourselves before we’re caring for our child, because that way we will be able to support them in the ways that they need to be supported.
Lindsey:
That’s such a good point. No, I love that, right? We do and we forget about that. We do forget we need to put the oxygen mask on ourselves first, and that we just give, give, give, give, and we don’t even realize that we’ve emptied ourselves. We need to learn how to fill ourselves back up and really what that referring to as this self-care.
Erika:
Yeah.
Lindsey:
And I think that, that’s so important for us to reiterate, even if it’s not with your family, but even in your job you have to take care of yourself. Otherwise, you’re no good to anybody else, if you’re just passed out on the floor, right?
Erika:
We can’t pour from an empty cup, as I like to say. And the self-care, it looks different for everyone. We all have the things that work for us and things that don’t work for us, but another reason why that’s so important to take care of ourselves. Not only are we deserving of it, but it also models a great message to our children because our children, they’re like sponges. They absorb, they absorb, they absorb, right? And they pick up on when we’re stressed, when we’re anxious. And that doesn’t mean we have to hide those parts of us because again, we’re human and we don’t want to send the message that it’s not okay to not be okay, or it’s not okay to have these feelings, but we just want to model to them how we can manage these feelings.
Erika:
And you know, there’s nothing wrong with saying, “Hey, you know what? I’m feeling a little anxious right now” or “I’m feeling a little stressed. I think I’m going to take a break from this right now”, or “I think I’m going to go and take some deep breaths, or take a nice bath, or just walk away for a minute” because that gives them something to take with them for when they’re in that situation. And that also expresses to them that, “Hey, even adults feel this way and it’s not a bad thing. It’s just what we do with it.”
Lindsey:
I love what you just said. One, that you don’t hide that from the students, or from your children, or from your family and that you can have an open discussion about it. And yes, we are human. I feel like sometimes in the online mental health field that people put us on a pedestal and be like, “well, you don’t know what it’s like”. And I’m like, “Oh no, I’m human”. I have all these same emotions too. I have to do these things, but we just know the tips and tricks.
Erika:
Right.
Lindsey:
We have these tips and tricks that we utilize. But we need to share those with people too. And I really love how letting kids know that as adults these things don’t go away. But I feel like sometimes we try to protect the students.
Erika:
Yes.
Lindsey:
Or to the kids and we pretend like everything’s always okay, when we do still struggle with things, but then we don’t ever teach them what to do to overcome those difficulties that we’re sharing. So sharing, “yes I need a timeout right now, is that all right?” Or “I want to take a bubble bath”, right? And I know I’ve seen like things out there that says “my mom loves wine” or something like that, “and she’s happy”. Is that really the healthiest coping skill?.
Lindsey:
[crosstalk 00:05:10] They’re sponges, they are absorbing everything that they see, but let’s have them absorb our deep breaths, the bubble bath. The other thing, so I know you had mentioned a few holiday self-care tips up on this slide here. So go ahead, go through some of this information and give us a-
Erika:
So, I think that again, our self-care tips look different for all of us. We all are unique when none of us are the same. So what works for me might not work for someone else and that’s okay, but what we really want to just go into, we want to have a plan and we want to make sure that we’re incorporating self-care daily through the holidays because the holidays are super busy, there’s a lot on our plates, there’s a lot to do. We hold these really high expectations for ourselves and sometimes that’s hard to keep up on. So one of the things that I really want to highlight is to make space for messy feelings like grief. So, we have this cultural message that it’s the most wonderful time of the year. It’s the happiest season of all. I know all my Christmas songs, and for some of us it’s not for some of us, this season is really, really difficult.
Erika:
And because that part’s not talked about when we are celebrating Christmas, we start to have a lot of shame about having those feelings of struggle. So what I really want to highlight is really just honoring and giving space to the messier feelings and the feelings that aren’t so pleasant. So it doesn’t have to be one or the other. We could have joy for the season. There are certainly wonderful things about it and maybe there are wonderful parts for some people and there’s also these really hard parts too. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. We could have both and we can make space for both.
Erika:
We could have… This time of year kind of puts high beams and exacerbates feelings of loss, grief. It kind of makes those hard feelings even bigger for some reason through this season it reminds us of past times or past childhood experiences, things that happened, things that didn’t happen. So if we just kind of acknowledge that and make space for that, we’ll be able to also feel the good parts of it too. If we’re numbing, if we’re trying to numb out the bad, we can’t selectively numb emotions. So, if we’re trying to numb out the bad by just staying really busy and wearing ourselves thin and not practicing self-care, we’re also going to numb out the good too.
Erika:
So we just kind of, bottom line is we could have grief for what was and we could have joy for what is and that’s okay to have both and we want to talk to our kids about this. So sometimes they’re sad, they’re missing someone that they’ve lost a grandparent, a parent, a sibling, and we want to do something for that. If it’s important for them to recognize the loss by lighting a candle by going to the grave, by doing some type of ritual, maybe just to honor that person that often is really helpful in healing for kids too. Lindsey, I don’t know if you’re talking, I can’t hear you, but-
Lindsey:
[crosstalk 00:09:13] I agree 100% with what you’re saying. Got a little bit of chatter going on in our group. Really talking about this thing in the yellow box. So, keep yourself care routine or begin a new one. So let’s talk about that. What would be a self-care routine that you feel someone could easily implement? What would that look like?
Erika:
Yeah, so again, it’ll be based off of just that person and their schedule. But, I think that having a specific time blocked out in their calendars, no matter what. So whatever, whenever time that is, so if it’s in the mornings, if it’s in the afternoons, if it’s when all the kids go to bed or when, whatever, just having at least some window of time to do something where you don’t have to be on. So where you don’t have to be thinking and planning for everything where you could just be in your space, be you. And whether it’s cuddling up with a book or like we talked about bass, I’ll leave wine out of it, anything, talking to a friend. So it really is… You could take your normal self-care strategies that you use and apply them. But I would say it’s probably even more so maybe give yourself a little bit extra time doing so because of the craziness that comes with this time of year.
Lindsey:
Let’s talk about routine. So routine changes, right? And so how, how are we supposed to adjust to the routine or when the students are adjusting their routines. So if we think about this school setting, there’s a holiday parties and then there’s usually some sort of award ceremony we’re in near the end of this semester, so maybe it’s finals time or there’re tests to go through. So the routine is adjusted just based on the school schedule and then maybe at the home schedule the routine is adjusted because now we’re out going shopping more or we’re trying to plan for things and this can really disrupt students as well. And in the home, your child, especially if maybe they’re on the spectrum or they have a disability like anxiety that doesn’t really adjust well to changes in routine. So is there some tips or tricks and discuss about how do we adjust to the routine and then when it does go off, like what can we keep the same?
Erika:
Yeah, routine is huge and you’re so right in that it is disrupted through this time. There’s so much going on. And like you said, for kiddos on the spectrum, kiddos with anxiety, those with sensory processing challenges, it gets really overwhelming. As much as possible, we’re going to want to keep the routine the same. So when they’re on break, we’re going to try our best to stick to make sure they’re getting quality night’s sleep, eating nutritious foods and kind of as what we can do keep the same. We want to keep the same. Kids do best when routines are predictable and healthy and they gain comfort and security from knowing what to expect.
Erika:
But there is times when we can’t help it. It’s inevitable that the routine is going to be interrupted. So if we can, we want to plan ahead. We want to give our kiddos a heads up of what to expect. Hey, tomorrow…Even days in advance and just based off of what our kids’ needs are. If we know that there’s someone who needs a lot of mental preparation beforehand, we’ll let them know a few days. We’ll pull out a calendar together, let them know what’s happening on this day, what’s happening on this day. So as much as we can plan ahead and limit surprises,
Lindsey:
I think that’s a really good idea where you talk about having a calendar, just something as simple as like a family calendar on the refrigerator that talks about, “Oh well we’re going to go to grandma’s house on this day and then just on [inaudible 00:13:31] the next day”, or “we have friends coming over here” just when people are coming in and out or you have to go places. It does make it difficult and with not school, so let me hear this, let me get this again. So even though the students are not in school and they don’t have to go to bed at a typical bedtime of 9:00 or 10:00 PM, they should still go to bed at that time.
Erika:
Yes, as much as possible. Again, we do the best that we can and we make exceptions for special occasions, like New Years, Christmas, but as much as possible, we want to keep it as is because that is going to make the transition back into school much easier and much smoother. Another thing-
Lindsey:
They forget about that. Right? They forget about that transition. They’re like, “Oh, we’re on vacation, let’s just go wild”. And you’re like, “but that’s what happens cause Monday is going to roll around and we don’t want to do that”. So what would you say if the family and the child they, okay, we have a little bit more leeway. What would you say about how many days before that Monday we’re returning back to school, January 6th how like when should they start getting back in the routine? Do they need like one day, so Sunday we just go back in routine or do you think they should start a few in advance?
Erika:
I think a few days in advance. I think that helps. I think that makes for a smoother transition and we know that certain kids are capable of just bouncing back, but other kids it’s a lot harder and three weeks like you said in California we have three weeks, other breaks are two weeks. That’s a good amount of time. And so we could use that final week before, at least a few days before to kind of start thinking about school kind of getting in that mindset. Another thing I wanted to kind of mention was when we were talking about planning ahead, you could even take that a step further and plan for the actual event. So, okay, we’re going to this holiday party. What might that be like for you given you know there’s going to be all these new people or there’s going to be this person there a lot of lights, a lot of noise.
Erika:
How could we make sure that we’re checking in with ourselves and how do we, how might we know when we need a break? So these are, this is kind of specific to children who wrestle with anxiety or sensory processing challenges. So you always kind of want to have a game plan as well. And that way in the moment they are walking into the situation feeling more prepared. “Okay. So if this happens, then I have some tools in my back pocket to pull from to help regulate me” or that’s probably not the word that they use but “help me chill out” or whatever.
Lindsey:
Right? Yeah, exactly. But yeah, making sure the student is prepared ahead of time is really important and then not to be afraid to talk about. There’s a lot of times we don’t really discuss what our triggers are or we don’t predict what our emotions are. In our world as tele-therapists or even if you are in the traditional brick-and-mortar setting and you’re doing counseling sessions with students. One of the things we do like to do is prepare them. So I know that you shared with me a worksheet that you can do in a session with a student and so I’ll let you talk about this and go over how this could be utilized and really help those students think ahead and then understand what they need to do to help address these issues when they do come up.
Erika:
Yeah, this is an activity that I like to use and how I kind of preface, this is what I like to normalize. I like to normalize that, yes, the holidays there’s so many wonderful things and it’s a really special time. And also it could also be a hard time or it could also bring up a lot of sad feelings in us. And that’s perfectly normal. So I like to normalize that because sometimes students will be like, “wait, that’s okay to feel sad?”. Or they start to have a lot of shame about maybe feeling overwhelmed with the holidays or start dreading the holidays because maybe they have had losses. So this is a great tool that you could use in session or you could give it to parents, they could do it together with their child. And it’s seasonal, so we have our ornaments and we basically name different feelings that might come up through the holiday.
Erika:
So we could use the whole holiday season or we could talk specifically like Christmas day. So just based on the past, like what, you know, if they’re an older student, you could base it off past Christmases or holidays or if it’s a younger student you could maybe “what do you predict coming up?”, naming feelings and just kind of identifying why we might feel that way. And again, this kind of helps with that self-awareness piece.
Erika:
And then I like to take it a step further and once we’ve identified the feeling and maybe come up with reasons behind the feeling, they might not always know the reasons and that’s okay, but identify what we could do with those feelings. So we want to really emphasize that no feelings are wrong. It’s perfectly okay to feel what you feel, but it’s all about what we do with them. So what can we do? Can we write them, can we journal about them? Can we talk to the safe adults? Can we take a walk? Depending on what feeling it is. And again, this kind of gives them a game plan for what to do when those feelings arise and you know, they’re not in session with you, they’re out at this holiday party. So it kind of gives them additional tools to take with them.
Lindsey:
Any questions? Anybody have questions for Erika before we ended up doing our wrap up? Just feel free to post those questions. We’ll be able to tackle those. One of the other things that I want to talk about, we mentioned before a little bit about the burnout, but we’ve got lots of great tools for the students. I also want to share one that would be really helpful for adults or high school students, anybody that really take time and ponder. This sheet here that talks about taking care of us and just like some questions. So, Erika, why don’t you talk a little bit about this one as well.
Erika:
Absolutely, I would love to. So this is something that, again, it’s kind of geared more towards maybe parents or someone in the care-taking role, but you could absolutely do it with students who are at the developmental age who could kind of understand this and you could use that as like a bonding tool. But really just this is another self-care technique and a way to have self-compassion and really kind of identify and reflect on what we’re deserving of this holiday season, how we might treat ourselves, how we might show ourselves love and what we’re grateful for. We know that having gratitude gives us so much more joy in life. And, sometimes when you put something down on paper or make it tangible, it’s easier to apply.
Erika:
And some of these things might look like, “I will show myself love by setting boundaries”. So boundaries is a big thing over the holiday break and there’s so many parties or opportunities to give, there’s just a lot and it’s okay to say no sometimes. And that’s also modeling healthy boundaries to our children, too. We can pick and choose what we do. We could say “no” and that’s okay. So, just kind of identifying things like that might help us care for ourselves through this holiday season so we don’t burn out. And so that we are able to enjoy the special parts of it. And so this is also a great worksheet to use.
Lindsey:
Yes. No I don’t. You know what? We typically don’t think of that you allow yourself or you deserve to do something or you going to treat yourself to something and it’s okay to say no. I know a lot of times we always want to be kind and help everybody, which is great. But again, it goes back to what you said in the beginning. You cannot help anyone if you don’t help yourself first. So, can’t pour from an empty cup. So how are we going to make sure we manage our emotions? What are we going to do to reflect that? So by just filling out a form, a piece of paper, writing it down gives you that accountability that people might need and that they’re looking for. I think these are amazing tools that are really going to help everyone as they manage their emotions.
Erika:
Some of us maybe struggle with, Oh well that feels so selfish. This is the time that I should be giving and I shouldn’t take time for myself. But it’s really, you’re not doing anyone of service if you are burnt out and we wouldn’t wish someone to spread themselves so thin on anyone else. We tend to be harder on ourselves, I think, and expect more from ourselves than we would other people. So, I think it all starts with awareness. Being aware that we’re having these really high expectations. Things have to be perfect for the holidays. And it’s okay. We’re humans, things get messy and that’s fine. And those make for the best memories I would say when things don’t go as planned.
Lindsey:
Right, that is so true. When things are messy, life is messy, nobody is perfect. So we always have to give ourselves grace, give ourselves an allowance to make sure that we allow ourselves to have these ups and downs. And then we just ride the ride and we enjoy it, but put into place these things that we’ve learned how to do our coping strategies, take care of ourselves, and then we can take care of others. So, Erika, thank you so much for coming on the show today, so you can talk with us about these great tips to handle the holiday stress and really helps students as well in the field so that we can, we can do this. So thank you so much for taking the time to join us today.
Erika:
Thank you for having me. It’s been an honor. Lindsey, thank you for all you do and for everyone who joined, thank you for taking some time out of your morning to pop in and we will be in touch. Merry Christmas. Happy holidays.
Lindsey:
Thank you, Erika.
